Welcome to the Garden

(My posts are intended for an Adult audience so content and images might be NSFW

cropped-flower-in-rain-wallpaper-hd-backgrounds.jpgHello and welcome to my little garden of changes, thoughts, & feels about and my life and experience as I transition to womanhood

Hello,

My name is Edyn Rayne (Pronounced: Eden Rain),  I came out February 2017 and started my Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) transition June 2017. So here is basic background of my story.

I am from Southern California born and raised, I have lived in Southern California most of my life till 2014 when I moved to Arizona. When I was about 7-8 is when I first realized I was different than other kids. I had always felt that I was a girl, when I was around 6-7 I can remember playing with the neighborhood girls way more than I ever played with the boys. But I was confused I know I’m a boy but felt like and wanted to be a girl. I never told anyone or my parents for thinking I would be made fun of, my parents would hate me, or I was afraid of being in trouble. I’m not attracted to males and have always been physically attracted and mentally attracted to girls and women. I hated looking at myself in the mirror, I didn’t like who it was staring back I felt ugly and wrong for being a boy. It’s a feeling and thought that has never left me since and I would constantly try to push the thought and feelings away. I tired doing boy stuff, I would play with GI.Joes, Transformers, Cars, play with the neighborhood boys. But it would never go away and continued to be a splinter in my mind I couldn’t get rid of. In kindergarten I remember talking to and playing more with girls. In elementary and middle school I always gravitated to girls and usually made friends with them more than boys. It wasn’t until later grades before high school that girls wound stop talking to me, and just started seeing as a guy wanting to date them. It got harder in school, my parents got divorced, my dad left home and my brother and I stayed with my mom. I was suddenly the man of the house at around 12-13. I had to suddenly become an almost parent to my brother (were 6 years apart). My mom was single and worked so I was thrusted with a lot responsibility. Girls would no longer hang out and talk to me, boys saw me was wimpy/geek/nerd and didn’t talk to me either. I’m not into sports; I played soccer for AYSO for 4 years in the 80’s. I don’t like the classical guy sports, baseball, football, basketball; it’s just not my thing. I tried little league baseball for a year but got teased a lot by the other boys for again being seen as wimpy/geek/nerd. When my dad was living with us he got a commodore 64K pc for the house. That’s where I started my love for computers and tech started; I marveled at the wonder of computers and started messing with DOS and getting games to work on it. Working on computers and building them is a place I could be myself. My dad also got an Atari 2600 around that time (early to mid-80’s). I was first on my block to have Pac-Man, so I’ve always been a gamer. So yes I’m a geek, but wasn’t scrawny by any means so it was confusing for me to be called wimpy not be able to talk to anyone. Kids pushing me away, so I became a loner, a D&D nerd, video game kid, sci-fi lover, computer nerd. But in middle school being a loner started to take a toll on me. I wanted friends badly but couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. The feelings and thoughts of being a girl came on stronger, feeling that if I was girl I wouldn’t be pushed away. I could have friends to talk to and hang out with I wouldn’t be a loner anymore. I would have lots of days where I would come home cry in my room alone and wish I could wake up as a girl. I hated being a boy,  I don’t know why I had these feelings. I’m a boy and i got to get used to it I thought, I went through high school gaining a lot of weight, I was 5’4’ and 175. Still a loner in high school I spent every day usually by myself at lunch. Again in class I would always try to partner up with girls and usually talked more to them. In my Junior/3rd year a girl started talking to me in class, after a few months, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. This girl though was cheerleader and 2nd in command of the cheer squad, so I got attention real quick. But my thoughts and feeling of wanting and feeling like a girl got pushed away deep down. After high school I kept having this feeling that I needed to find something inside myself, I didn’t know what it was. Every few months I would always change my appearance thinking it was that. I felt if I changed my style it would feed that feeling. I would grow a goatee, beard, mustache, bleach my hair, die my hair, shaved my head, pierced my ears & tongue. But it was never enough, my weight was going up, I had feelings of wanting to be female on and off again all the time. I battled depression and loneliness for years never knowing what’s wrong with me why am I depressed and unhappy. In 1999 I met my wife and in 2000 we got married, we have had many ups and downs. But fortunately we have way more ups then downs, our marriage has survived a lot. In 2007 I was 253lbs and very unhappy about myself, It took us 8 years but in 2009 we got pregnant and had my first child a girl. One week before thanksgiving in 2009 at the time of the economy collapse my Studio I was working for was closed by our parent company. The whole studio got laid off the CEO, Managers, everyone, and nobody knew about it except the 15 people the parent company kept out of 200. I unfortunately have a lot of job experience but no formal education or training. Living in California where people are dime a dozen. I wasn’t able to find work since most companies only wanted people with education, even though my experience could run circles around that. But alas I couldn’t find much work for me. My daughter being less than a year old at the time and daycare in California is super expensive ($750 a week). So my wife having a bachelor’s degree and was already working a good job, we decided I would be stay at home dad for now. In 2010 we got pregnant again and had my son in 2011. Being still a stay at home dad, I would always have this nagging feeling that something was wrong with me that needed to find something. When I turned 30 I started becoming kind of obsessed in finding myself and seeking personal enlightenment. I started reading books, doing research, meditation and spent many hours thinking about myself but couldn’t put my finger on it. After more years of staying at home with the kids and California becoming more expensive to live, we decided to move to Arizona in 2014. My brother was living in Arizona, in a nice town and had enticed us to move. It felt and seemed like the right thing to do, even though I’m a city person. 2017 Two years later I found myself very depressed with my life, I was obese, stay at home dad that hadn’t worked in years, no education, I couldn’t contribute to the family. I felt trapped, useless, like I don’t deserve to live, that I’m not this person, and after being really close to killing myself. I had a thought “why don’t I like myself” I said. “it’s cause I’m not who I am”. So I asked myself this, When I look inside who do I see,? When I closed my eyes and really thought about it I saw a girl looking at me knowing its me.  That’s when a light bulb came on, mind blown……am I female? When I asked that question of myself the first answer I get is YES! I identify as female inside. I have never felt so much relief and this overwhelming sense of truth within myself. I suddenly remember my childhood and the things I did. The things I did then suddenly made sense to me; I did girly stuff here and there. I had a more feminine mannerism that read gay to people even though I not. I had gay men hit on me at times during the late 90’s and always felt why are they hitting on me? So I did research and found the term transgender, after reading about it I finally found what I was searching for. Transgender that’s me?……that’s so me! After thinking more and more about it, it became clear that I can’t live as I a male anymore. I’m a woman and I need my body to match, I have be depressed and down so long it felt this what I need to do this is what I’m supposed to do. I then summoned the courage and came out to my wife which after 17 years of marriage I explained everything to her the first thing she said to me was “that makes a lot of sense”. She agreed and felt the same as do, that I was a Transgender woman. She said for years she thought I was gay and was worried at times. My wife agreed that I needed to transition and that after everything we been through she wouldn’t leave me and she supported me. After a week of coming out I started working out twice a day and changed my diet. In Christmas of 2016 I was 208lbs and I dropped 50+ lbs. in 6 months I’m currently 153lbs(7/17). I have dropped over 100lbs since being my heaviest in 2007.  I have changed my life for the better; I have never been happier, I cleared out my old clothes and my old life and embraced my new life and rebirth. The girl inside me has saved my life and I’m not looking back or going back. After a few months of therapy, I was approved for Hormone Replacement therapy (HRT). I started HRT June 16th 2017, and I’m finally looking forward to the future. I finally have hope for myself in this life, I feel like I finally have purpose. It’s the best feeling in the world to know who you are, I’m actually excited for new days and don’t dread them.  Now as I unlearn the things I have learned and move onto learning exciting and new things moving forward I now know who I am I’m Edyn Rayne and I’m one bad ass woman….in training 😉

As for projects, likes and other basic information

I’m Aspiring Indie Game Developer/Director I’m the writer & creator for Appliance Fighter 2D Fighting Game(my first game), I’m a jack of all trades master of none, I am a huge lover for Air-Cooled Volkswagens (1950-1966) Bus & Beetles/Bug , I’m a video Gamer, I’m a live Sound Engineer, Audiophile, an aspiring Musician (signer / guitarist), and a lover for all things Tech, Science, Space/NASA, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Comics (Super Heroines & Heroes), Cartoons, Comedy, & Girly Stuff. I’m for equality and justice for all people, I don’t judge books by their cover, I have an open mind, a huge heart, I’m a parent, and I have a love for all good things and people in this world that make it better place for everyone and not just the rich and powerful. I’m just a geeky, nerdy, girly, Trans 🌈LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 girl just trying to find myself and my place in this world.

So here for your reading pleasure I present my random thoughts and feels on transition and other stuff.

Yes I have typos, Yes sometimes I can’t speel (being funny I know its spell), Yes my punctuation lacks but hope everyone will look past it and can hopefully under stand my rantings 😉

Thanks for read and much love

Edyn

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